Have you ever hated yourself?

Have you ever hated yourself?

But, I mean, REAL REAL HATRED, shame, odious feelings...?

I have.

It's not pretty, it's simply disgusting, especially if you know that YOU were the cause of so much pain, if you single-handedly inflicted pain into people you love, you admire, you respect.

Remember, when you desobeyed your parents, did something really, really nasty, and they cried when found out the absurdity of your accomplishment? How this disobedience made you feel like crap, like excrement? And the shame that came right after???

God, please, teach me, how can I possibibly fix this? Or better (or worse), how can I possibly forget about this?

You know, your Lake of Oblivion? Could you please tell me where it is? I'd like to take a big, big plunge in there, and spent a few hours swimming, floating and forgetting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGnNm7xgUNs

Do I judge people? Yes, I do, Sir!

Why is it so easy to JUDGE, to pass judgement upon other people?

My God, it's so easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's automatic! And I do, I do, I judge, in spite of avoiding, of thinking that "no, I'm so open-minded, I wear no masks" and stuff... NO...

I do wear a mask too, just like everyone else. It's a matter of survival, I guess.

It's funny because last year I judged a friend of mine so mercilessly, so intensely, so superiorly.... Crazy, because recently I saw myself doing the same thing I had passed judgement upon!

Jesus, please, forgive me! I am so full of crap! I'm a lier, an impostor! How can you possibly still love me? How?

That is the greatest mystery of all times, that's for sure, Your love NEVER fails.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoezWBPGRAc

to a dear reader 2 (READ THE OTHER first!)

Dearest, I think I'm kind of rusty in this blogging thing, so i could not fit the entire text in the other posting, so, READ THE OTHER ONE FIRST, THIS IS THE CONTINUATION OF THE PREVIOUS

So, dear, dear, please,as I was saying.... You must understand that this burden, that tries to smash you down the floor, makes you feel like giving up everything sometimes, DOES NOT come from God, it comes from religion, from the pseudo perfect believers, who are deceiving themselves and rejecting so many who are not able to be as perfect as they are.

Believe me, I lived in religion for so many boring years and I went stray for a few years, before i met this God, this God that tells me:

Hey, my Precious! Come up here! There's a place for you here, sitting at my table! In here, you can eat whatever you want, you can listen to the music you enjoy, we can dance together! You can read poetry, you can write fiction, you can cry, you can curse, you can ask me questions! Anything you want, my dear! Please, ask me those questions, like Job did! I want to answer them! I want to be with you! You don't need to be perfect, I love you the way you are! And you can go away whenever you feel like it! And return whenever you feel like it too! You don't need to wear a mask in my presence! I can see you! I love you the way you are! The doors are open, my dear! Come as you are! Angry, frustrated, crazy, lost, miserable, faithless.... Come! And I'll take you as you are! I do not see you the way men see you, I can see all the pain hidden in your heart! Let me reveal myself to you, my dearest child! I'm not a boring GOD!!!!! C'mon! I'm the Creator, I'm the Father of creativity, of music, of Arts!!! Come to me and I will reveal my TRUE self to you, my dear.... I'm not interested in "perfect people", I want the ones who acknowledge they are not perfect. And then, I can start to build up the character of Jesus in them. Come! Let me reveal myself to you!

Dearest reader, I know what you're going through, I've been there, believe me... Don't give up, because men can and will disappoint us, but the real GOD is perfect, and HE always goes after the ones who truly love him and have a sincere heart.

xoxo

to a dear Reader

Dear Reader,

What a surprise, to run across you, after so long!!!!! I was thinking about you all day long and, as I promised, I'm posting in English. First of all, let me tell you that, although we know each other very, very little, I like you a lot! I think we have so much in common! So, i'd like to share a few things with you.

Well, I guess you haven't been going to church lately, am I right? Well, why would you, right? Why go to a place where everybody is always happy, singing, praying and rejoicing in the presence of the Lord? Hey, i'm not being ironic here, I love this stuff. However, I think it is an absurd for some people not to show, or better, to hide themselves under a very surreptitious mask called religiosity. You know, what GOD really wants from us is an honest heart, not a mask of perfection, perfection that we'll never be able to achieve. Why go to a place full of shiny happy people holding hands, full of phony smiles, hiding the true bitterness of hearts each of us go through? Why go to a place that only makes you feel like crap, because you simply cannot pretend that everything is all right, everything is perfect in your miserable life?

Why wear this mask of self-deception?

Dear, dear, look at Job! When he lost everything, first he said:

Jehovah gave, and Jehovah hath taken away; blessed be the name of Jehovah.

Wow, so spiritual, right? But wait! All the rest of the book of Job, we find him cursing the day of his birth!!!!

"Let destruction take the day of my birth..... That day- let it be dark, let not God take note of it from high, and let not the light be shining on it! Let the dark and the black night take it for themselves, let it be covered with a cloud, let the dark shades of the day send fear on it!" (Job 3)

Now, that does not sound that spiritual, right? Right, because, according to the rules of religion, we're all supposed to wear this insane mask of perfection and camouflage our feelings, forgetting that (how silly of us!!) God can see though us! Therefore, what he really wants from us is HONESTY, HE really wants to know how we feel, how some of us (myself included, of course) feel like crap most of the time, because we simply cannot bear the burden of religion.

God is sick of pseudo religious, holy, perfect people, He did not send His son for these ones. He send His son for the losers, for the prostitutes, for the problematic ones, for those who refuse to accept that everything is all right when they are dying inside, He wants his children to have an honest heart!!!!